#GirlBus: Decks, hugs and rock n' roll in London

​How to Be a Girlfriend in London
by Julie Mitchell

I’m sure you’re thinking, “I don’t need a guide for this, I already am a girlfriend!” And maybe you are. Maybe even in London. But this guide is going to walk you through how to deal with the issues that come up from being a girlfriend in London, especially if you don’t usually live in London.

“Girlfriend” here is an umbrella term for the partner that maybe is unemployed, maybe a little depressed, and is ‘figuring it out.’ It’s a non-gendered term in this instance. Can a boy be a girlfriend? Yes. Can I be a girlfriend if I’m single? Yes. Being a girlfriend is a state of mind. You have to love movies, you have to be able to stay up until 3am worrying about nothing, you have to know how to google what’s wrong with your car, then cry. It’s a tough job but someone has to do it. And why in London? you might ask. Can’t I be a girlfriend in LA, or Canada? No, you can’t. There’s already girlfriends there. But being a girlfriend in London? Uncharted territory. Strap in!

1. Find a Sainsbury’s
Why do I need a moderately priced grocery store with occasional deals to be a girlfriend? You might be asking. Well, a huge part of being a girlfriend is snacks. You want them, your partner wants them, his kids (if they exist) want them, everyone wants snacks. Did you know in London they really care about expiration dates? Like, they really mean something. In the US the expiration date is more of a suggestion, because there’s so many chemicals in there the food is going to keep for a while. Bread? It’s going to be fine. Maybe eggs or some kind of cheese, but everything else is shelf stable for at least two months. In England, those dates are set in stone. By the end of the day on the package, it’s turning, no matter what it is. Beans? Losing life as we speak. Carrots? That grow in dirt? Somehow going bad. This is key for you as a girlfriend because there is a tiny window here where you can get the cheapest snacks of your life, but you have to eat them immediately, otherwise you just paid 59 cents to throw something away at home. But if you can get them (look for the yellow labels) the deals are insane and for you, as a girlfriend, you live for deals. Now you’re eating a fancy dessert for 12p. Like a Queen, but alive.

​2. Go to a Museum
Do girlfriends have to love art? Trick question - girlfriends are art. “So why do I need to go to a museum then?” I don’t know but you do. As a girlfriend, you’re going to have some off days. Sometimes the world is just sad, it’s not your fault. This is the kind of sadness that logic can’t penetrate. “Everything’s going to be alright” Okay, and? It’s not right now. This is where art comes in. Art goes around what your brain is expecting and hits you in a new undiscovered place you didn’t even know existed. You’re sad? Look at this dog that has three heads made of clay. You don’t know what you’re going to do with your life and the Earth is dying? Here’s a glass sculpture of the rain levels in Egypt for 10 years. Your dad doesn’t understand you? Do you understand why this woman in a village in Romania has been putting wreaths of wheat inside tin tubes and sealing them for years? No? Okay, well you don’t know everything do you? Maybe you’re not even sad, maybe you’re basking in the joy of creation and the power of human connection, ever think about that? The Tate Modern is free and it’s huge, go there.

3. Go to the Place in Hampstead that Sells the Crepes
Why is this one so specific? Really, in all of London I have to go to one place? Yes. Do you know what a crepe is? Delicious right? Kind of like pizza, they’re all good even if they’re bad? Wrong. A not good crepe still tastes fine but a good crepe makes you close your eyes and sit  down. Maybe there’s other places you can get a good crepe in London but you probably have to go into a restaurant and talk to a waiter and order and do all the restaurant things that you as a girlfriend sometimes simply don’t have the time for. This is a stand. It’s outside. They’re actually in a blood feud with the bar next door who has opened a RIVAL crepe stand NEXT to them because they’re trying to capitalize on people’s confusion. But there’s one real one and it’s been open for 40 years. Sometimes they take cards, sometimes they don’t, you’ll never know. And they have a really big menu but don’t do that, just go simple. Ham and cheese, Nutella, lemon and sugar. That’s all you need. As a girlfriend you can get a savory and a sweet and offer to share, that’s nice.

4. Get Lost
Get lost? Isn’t being a girlfriend about never being lost again? No. It’s about knowing you don’t have to be lost and choosing it anyway. Being lost is important. If anyone’s like, “I never get lost” don’t trust them. Either they’re lying or they never take risks. How are you supposed to revel in discovery if you’re never lost? Feeling certain and seeing things you know all the time? Disgusting. Go to the tube. Get on a line. Get off at the stop with the funniest sounding name to you. Goodge Street. Chalk Farm. Waterloo. Mornington Crescent. And that’s just the Northern Line. Pick a funny one, get off, and wander around. What will you find? An Indian restaurant? Three mean cats? The M&M store? You’ll never know until you do it. And when you’re done being lost, just find the nearest tube station and go back. You got here on the train, you can get back on the train. Take a bus if you’re feeling crazy. (Even though we all know, girlfriends can never be crazy, they can only respond logically to the stimulus they’re given).

5. Sit at the Top of a Double Decker
Speaking of the bus. One of the most important parts of being a girlfriend I’m sure we’ve all seen in movies is seeing gorgeous scenery while music is playing. The same way you need a ball to play basketball, girlfriends need beautiful scenery and music. It’s in our blood. But if you live in a busy city, sometimes it’s hard to find beautiful scenery, sometimes it’s just all piss and trash. Not to worry. You’re going to take yourself to a bus. But not just any bus, a two story bus. Sit at the top. You might have to wait until there’s no children, or someone is done with their nap, but when it’s clear it’s all yours. You’re going to sit in the aisle seat to get the most glass/least bus in your view, put some headphones on (or in, depending) and turn the music on really loud. Now you’re just going to sit. If you really want to get fancy you can try to get on either the 11, 24, 88, 148, or 211 because they go by Westminster Abbey, but the 11 is really the golden ticket. It passes Westminster Abbey, Westminster Cathedral, Big Ben, and the Houses of Parliament. This is the kind of route that MAKES a girlfriend, you might get on the bus a regular person, and become a girlfriend in the middle of the ride. Thank me later.

6. Go to the Gate Theatre
Everyone knows about theatre in London. The half price tickets in Leicester square, the ads in the tube, the Lion King, Cheryl Cole in A Ghost Story, we know, we get it. Anyone can do that. But being a girlfriend is about experiencing something beyond your means. Girlfriends experience things they didn’t earn and we want that for them. The Gate Theatre is tiny, and they’re providing an exclusive experience. It’s giving invited dress rehearsal, it’s giving she has connections. These tickets are CHEAP, maybe £18 full price. And for that, you get to be near the stage no matter where you sit, and see something beautiful and challenging. The Gate Theatre is not one of these theatres with wealthy donors they need to appease with a season of Shakespeare re-imaginations, they are not trying to prove anything to anyone and they don’t care. They are making art about hard things and you as a girlfriend know what that’s like. As a girlfriend you can buy two tickets by yourself (date night), invite your boyfriend and say, “I think this will be fun for us.” Now you’re watching an undocumented worker interrogate class  consciousness while drinking a glass of wine your boyfriend got (to thank you for getting the tickets). On the walk home he’s like, “All borders imply the violence of their maintenance, huh?” And you say yes, knowing you’ve lived another day bringing the person you love closer to the sun that is abolition. This is your job as a girlfriend. Being a girlfriend is snacks, being cute, knowing where you know that actor from, and radicalizing your boyfriend until he thinks all prisons and police should be abolished, because *he* wants that, not because you want it, but because he sees it’s the only way for us all to be free.

Girlfriends!!!! A way of life, a state of mind, the hardest job. Also, try a Sunday roast!
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Follow Julie Mitchell's 'Girl, Uninterrupted' on Substack
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