"Aw, mum...all my mates are out drinking strong continental lager and snorting suncream on a sun-drenched tropical idyll..."
"I really think this is the perfect time for you to rediscover how much fun your bedroom is."
And so seems to be the rhetoric of Helen Grant, as she issues forth her regal decree from a five star suite in Rio as she watches England try and play football. The Passport Office - as badly managed and beleaguered as our national side's defence - has collapsed under the weight of its own application process with a similarly reassuring sense of predictability. Grant - Minister for Tourism (and Sport - coincidence?) spins this by telling people whose holiday plans lie in ruins that they've won the summer lottery and they'll have so much fun just, er, staying in Britain. Hear are the actual, real words she spoke from her mouth:
"If they don't want to go away, we have some fantastic places to visit and holiday not that far from here. I think there's a lot to be said for the 'staycation'. People need to do what they like."
She added: "I think we are going to have a great summer, we are certainly going to have a great summer of sport, too, there's lots of opportunities to build your holiday around a spoilt-for-choice list of events, the Tour de France Grand Départ, we've got the golf, we've got the Commonwealth Games, we've got football that we can watch on the TV. It's a wonderful place to have your holiday."
Cue bouts of everyman and woman fury in the press, as people perhaps rightly see their basic right to cross international borders with timely applications for a passport being stripped away before their astonished faces. And then being told how lucky they are. A bit like...being peed on and told it's a refreshing summer rain shower.
All together, now: There ain't no staycation like a Helen Grant staycation 'cos a Helen grant staycation is COMPULSORY.