Loathe them or hate them, RyanAir - the Frankie Boyle of low-cost air travel in Europe - keep on flying people in their millions to some of the most vaguely inconvenient airports on the continent.
Lead by their fearless, and mannerless Chief Executive Michael O'Leary, hardly a month goes by when some provocative statement issues forth from behind their lines. This collection by The Guardian is a good primer, and it prompted us at Shandy Pockets to open our hearts as well:
Dear Michael O’Leary,
Whilst we at SP very much admire RyanAir, we don’t feel that your pricing policies are aggressive enough. There are myriad revenue streams that you are ignoring, and it is our unswerving pleasure to suggest some ideas, which you can have in exchange for a free sandwich next time we are on one of your excellent flights.
1. Have the pilots push back from the gate, only to stop on the verge of the runway. Send the flight attendants back with a hat and the announcement that no-one’s going anywhere until everyone chips in a quid.
2. Leg Tax. Why waste money on leg room? If you can whittle down your customer base to just amputees via an extortionate tax on legs, then you can insert many extra rows of seats into your planes with no loss of comfort to your passengers.
3. Charge for the life forms that live parasitic lives on the human body, such as those sub-microbial creatures that live in people’s eyebrows and such. Here are living things getting a free ride, making you look like, might I add, a total chump.
4. People should really pay royalties whenever they recommend RyanAir to a friend, which I imagine happens all the time. It’s blatant appropriation of your brand name to advance their own popularity.
5. Attendants could operate like those mesmerising ‘living statues’ in Covent Garden, and only move for a few seconds at a time when people throw money at them – especially lucrative during an emergency.
6. I imagine pressurised cabins don’t come cheap. Reap savings by keeping the pressure just above the level where people would lose consciousness.
7. Halve your shift bill by paying pilots to take off and then dismissing them once in the air…the airport you’re heading too is virtually obliged to talk the plane down as a passenger takes the controls.
8. Charge the passenger in (7) for the experience of landing a real plane.
9. Just start keeping all checked-in luggage, blame it on foreign baggage handlers and clean up at car boot sales.
10. Pickpocketing monkeys? Sell mid-flight “protection” (“You don’t want anything bad to happen when we land, DO YOU?”)? Oh, just have all your staff jab people in the back until they lose the will to live and sign over their life savings, it’s got to be easier than all the rest of it, hasn’t it?
Much love,
Shandy Pockets
Lead by their fearless, and mannerless Chief Executive Michael O'Leary, hardly a month goes by when some provocative statement issues forth from behind their lines. This collection by The Guardian is a good primer, and it prompted us at Shandy Pockets to open our hearts as well:
Dear Michael O’Leary,
Whilst we at SP very much admire RyanAir, we don’t feel that your pricing policies are aggressive enough. There are myriad revenue streams that you are ignoring, and it is our unswerving pleasure to suggest some ideas, which you can have in exchange for a free sandwich next time we are on one of your excellent flights.
1. Have the pilots push back from the gate, only to stop on the verge of the runway. Send the flight attendants back with a hat and the announcement that no-one’s going anywhere until everyone chips in a quid.
2. Leg Tax. Why waste money on leg room? If you can whittle down your customer base to just amputees via an extortionate tax on legs, then you can insert many extra rows of seats into your planes with no loss of comfort to your passengers.
3. Charge for the life forms that live parasitic lives on the human body, such as those sub-microbial creatures that live in people’s eyebrows and such. Here are living things getting a free ride, making you look like, might I add, a total chump.
4. People should really pay royalties whenever they recommend RyanAir to a friend, which I imagine happens all the time. It’s blatant appropriation of your brand name to advance their own popularity.
5. Attendants could operate like those mesmerising ‘living statues’ in Covent Garden, and only move for a few seconds at a time when people throw money at them – especially lucrative during an emergency.
6. I imagine pressurised cabins don’t come cheap. Reap savings by keeping the pressure just above the level where people would lose consciousness.
7. Halve your shift bill by paying pilots to take off and then dismissing them once in the air…the airport you’re heading too is virtually obliged to talk the plane down as a passenger takes the controls.
8. Charge the passenger in (7) for the experience of landing a real plane.
9. Just start keeping all checked-in luggage, blame it on foreign baggage handlers and clean up at car boot sales.
10. Pickpocketing monkeys? Sell mid-flight “protection” (“You don’t want anything bad to happen when we land, DO YOU?”)? Oh, just have all your staff jab people in the back until they lose the will to live and sign over their life savings, it’s got to be easier than all the rest of it, hasn’t it?
Much love,
Shandy Pockets
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