This week saw the tenth anniversary of the death of legendary comedian Mitch Hedberg. Like all touring comics, he stayed in hotels a lot. Like all touring comics, it seeped into his material. Unlike all touring comics, most of his observations were funny:
When I’m on my hotel elevator, I like to pretend that someone else’s floor is wrong. Like, if someone gets on and presses 3, I’m like “You’re on three? Hahahaha. Dude, I don’t think I can ride with you.”
I like the public hot tub at the hotels, the whirlpool. I like to go there when there’s a guy in there already and say “Hey, man, you mind if I join ya?” And he says “no.” Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up. Then I come by and I add some carrots and onions… then I say “Hey man, just simmer for awwww - I mean, sit there.”
I got a Do Not Disturb sign on my hotel door. It says Do Not Disturb. It’s time to go with DON’T disturb. iI’s been Do Not for too long. We need to embrace the contraction.
My hotel is haunted. I saw a sheet lying on the floor… must have been a ghost that had passed out.
I’m in my hotel room, my friend comes over, he says, “Can I use the phone?” I said, “Certainly,” he says “Do I have to dial 9?” “Yeah, especially if it’s in the number.”
My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor because of superstition. But, c’mon man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.
I can’t tell you what hotel I’m saying at, but there are two trees involved.
I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.
I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.
When I’m on my hotel elevator, I like to pretend that someone else’s floor is wrong. Like, if someone gets on and presses 3, I’m like “You’re on three? Hahahaha. Dude, I don’t think I can ride with you.”
I like the public hot tub at the hotels, the whirlpool. I like to go there when there’s a guy in there already and say “Hey, man, you mind if I join ya?” And he says “no.” Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up. Then I come by and I add some carrots and onions… then I say “Hey man, just simmer for awwww - I mean, sit there.”
I got a Do Not Disturb sign on my hotel door. It says Do Not Disturb. It’s time to go with DON’T disturb. iI’s been Do Not for too long. We need to embrace the contraction.
My hotel is haunted. I saw a sheet lying on the floor… must have been a ghost that had passed out.
I’m in my hotel room, my friend comes over, he says, “Can I use the phone?” I said, “Certainly,” he says “Do I have to dial 9?” “Yeah, especially if it’s in the number.”
My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor because of superstition. But, c’mon man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.
I can’t tell you what hotel I’m saying at, but there are two trees involved.
I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.
I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.
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