Envy isn't a rational response to the upcoming one-month anniversary of the shooting of Cecil the Lion.
But with Aug. 29 fast approaching and endless Cecil the Lion stories making media rounds, including at the Chicago Tribune, I find myself wishing for a blood-hungry Minnesotan dentist — an unpredictable, haughty, devastating swirl of fury. A covert hunting trip. Arrows ripping through the warm, airy, sub-Saharan air. A sleeping lion, lured outside of its compound.
That's what it took to hit the reset button for Cecil. Chaos. Tragedy. A vaguely illegal arrangement with a local guide.
Lions were suddenly everywhere. A new wave of internet warriors raised the profile of African wildlife. Conservation causes received panoramic media coverage. Dentists were forced into hiding. No complaints from Cecil. Instead, he became the most famous lion since Simba. Or maybe Aslan. Did that MGM one have a name, even?
After a careful study of the killing of Cecil the Lion, it turns out it was his own greedy fault for following the lure of a snack.
The same could be said for me.
This weekend, I will make yet another desperate, speculative blog post in a search for internet fame and yes, up to 18 people will flock to it to marvel at its insight and daring wordplay. They will clamp their palms on their eyes to tame the lexical wonderment. They will gasp at the audacious puns. They close the browser window accidentally and not have the enthusiasm to reopen the link and instead see what’s happening on Reddit.
They will move on.
I’m pretty good at hiding my professional failings. Beneath the surface of my blog posts, I’m facing challenges that threaten my future. Decades of coasting. Devastating amounts of procrastination. Very few proactive searches for employment. It is the gravest issue.
That’s why I find myself praying for a high velocity arrow fired from a professional hunting-standard bow by a grinning, bloodthirsty Minnesotan dentist. OK, a figurative high velocity arrow fired from a professional hunting-standard bow by a grinning, bloodthirsty Minnesotan dentist!
I can relate, metaphorically, to the stricken Cecil the Lion, rolling around in the warm, sandy, Sub-Saharan sand and roaring in agony begging a Minnesotan dentist to put him out of his misery, knowing that this resetting will after all mean future fame and glory.
Except here, no Minnesotan dentist responds to the leonine yowls in the warm, sky-like, Sub-Saharan sky.
Instead, I double-down on another speculative cry for internet attention.