The thing about yer Maldives, of course, is that although they are, on the surface, a bucket-list topping chain of islands that have visitors and journalists scrambling for beauty-driven superlatives, they are also a massively controlling Islamic state who barely tolerate visitors.
    Let's cast our minds back to 2010 and that infamous wedding ceremony, where a couple of unwitting newlyweds had a local ceremony to celebrate their nuptials, only to secretly be called 'infidels' and 'swine' in the local tongue. An isolated incident, perhaps, but since 2011 the government has been flexing its censorship muscles as the hardline Ministry of Islamic Affairs takes down dissenting blogs, arrests journalists and generally acts like an insecure bully.
    Having been myself, I can tell you that's a side of the islands that tourists rarely see, being whisked off to their hotel-chain-owned islands (if you don't know, each tourist island is basically run by a different hotel) and there's little need to worry about human rights when you're sitting down to your coconut shrimp starter in the underwater restaurant of the Ritz-Carlton, on the Ritz-Carlton Island. Head to the capital, Malé, and you can see much clearer signs of fundamentalism, in the mosques especially.
    Anyway, the latest reports are that this (from The Guardian): "Poetry and literature will have to be approved by the Maldivian government before they are published in the country, according to new regulations which have been described as a “disaster for freedom of expression” by free speech campaigners."
    It's unclear as yet as to whether the Ministry will go so far as to snatch copies of 50 Shades of Grey from incoming honeymooners (OK, some of them might bring in Tolstoy, I'm not being presumptuous) because heaven forbid they leave a copy lying around for the underpaid hotel staff to glance at. But at best, the national bureau and its role as the enforcement arm of a creeping autocracy are sure to heighten the tense relationship that hardline Islamic countries which depend on western tourism all seem to have. Yes, Dubai, we're looking at you. As usual.

New York, New York...so good they tell you to get off their island multiple times in a really snarky voice. The Manhattan tourism industry received a much-needed shot in the arm from professional curmudgeon Fran Lebowitz who, in an interview with Papermag.com, outlined her multiple objections to people not from New York visiting New York.
    Among the choice comments were:
    - "Tourism as a number-one industry is a terrible, terrible idea for any city, especially New York."
    - "I would like to see fewer and fewer tourists and I'm tired of hearing about how much money they bring to the city             because the kind of jobs the tourists bring to the city are the worst jobs."
    - "I object to Airbnb. I don't want these people to come here; I frankly do not care where they are staying. Stay home."
    - "I would like to stand at the border -- I would volunteer -- and say, "You can come here, but you have to live here. If             you're coming here for four days, you can't come"
Oh my. Here's someone with a little case of the Moan-days. If she sold flowers professionally, she'd be Florist Grump, amiright? The thing is, Ms Lebowitz, who presumably doesn't travel anywhere for less than four days, or anywhere that has a residential centre, is unwittingly making us want to go to Manhattan more than ever.
    Doesn't she realise, half the fun of going to NYC is seeing the most abrasive, pugnacious and outright rude people on earth (outside of Paris, natch) in their natural environment. Every server who overtly belittles me as I very slightly mis-order something from the unnavigable breakfast menu in a diner, I tip with extra gusto just for the typical NYC experience. I figure they get paid to do that by the tourist board, just so we're not disappointed. Going to Manhattan for me is like sneaking back to the haughty mistress who I gladly pay to humiliate me.
    I hate to break this to you, Fran, but if you really want us to stop coming to Manhattan, you're going to have to start being much, much nicer...
(photo via cc, Christopher Macsurak)

Among the more spurious surveys that pop onto the Shandy Pockets radar was this one, carried out by travel compensation-garnerers, refund.me. Air passengers were asked which characters form the big screen they would like to see in their cabin crew, the winner by a sizable nose (no offence), being the character of Maverick from Top Gun, played by thespianic colossus, Mr Thomas Cruise, esq.

Yes, the majority of the great flying public would choose an emotionally unstable, borderline sociopathic risk-taker with a gung-ho military mentality as the pilot of choice for their charter plane to Majorca. Presumably because he looks good in uniform. Forget your chances of survival and the person responsible for them being one step above Howlin' Mad Murdoch from The A-Team, as long as our man has a winning smile and lustrous hair, we'll take our chances, thank you very much. 

Among the other preferences expressed were Little Leo DiCaprio from Catch Me If You Can (borderline sociopath engaged in massive fraudulence with no formal training but good looking) and Dishy Denzel Washington from Flight (borderline sociopathic substance abuser, albeit a heroic one, though even more albeit: very good looking).

Among the female dream crew were Catherin Zeta-Jones (Terminal), Kirsten Dunst (Elisabethtown) and Ellen Pompeo (Catch Me If You Can), a list containing a noticeable lack of sociopathic risk-takers, partly because you can better imagine being offered chicken or beef by them, but mostly because Hollywood has yet to give out those kinds of parts to women. Who would you like to see showing you how to orally top up your life jacket?

"Now, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ground you. But look, you've got LOTS of great things you can do in your bedroom. You've got that jigsaw you've never opened, and how about a game of Monopoly or something with your brother?"

"Aw, mum...all my mates are out drinking strong continental lager and snorting suncream on a sun-drenched tropical idyll..."

"I really think this is the perfect time for you to rediscover how much fun your bedroom is."

And so seems to be the rhetoric of Helen Grant, as she issues forth her regal decree from a five star suite in Rio as she watches England try and play football. The Passport Office - as badly managed and beleaguered as our national side's defence - has collapsed under the weight of its own application process with a similarly reassuring sense of predictability. Grant - Minister for Tourism (and Sport - coincidence?) spins this by telling people whose holiday plans lie in ruins that they've won the summer lottery and they'll have so much fun just, er, staying in Britain. Hear are the actual, real words she spoke from her mouth:

"If they don't want to go away, we have some fantastic places to visit and holiday not that far from here. I think there's a lot to be said for the 'staycation'. People need to do what they like."

She added: "I think we are going to have a great summer, we are certainly going to have a great summer of sport, too, there's lots of opportunities to build your holiday around a spoilt-for-choice list of events, the Tour de France Grand Départ, we've got the golf, we've got the Commonwealth Games, we've got football that we can watch on the TV. It's a wonderful place to have your holiday."

Cue bouts of everyman and woman fury in the press, as people perhaps rightly see their basic right to cross international borders with timely applications for a passport being stripped away before their astonished faces. And then being told how lucky they are. A bit like...being peed on and told it's a refreshing summer rain shower.

All together, now: There ain't no staycation like a Helen Grant staycation 'cos a Helen grant staycation is COMPULSORY.

Alright, we KNOW that the title is a reference to The Hobbit and the post is about Game of Thrones, but you think we've got all morning to think up strictly accurate fantasy-related travel puns? OK, we DO, but that doesn't mean we're going to.
    So we've been indisposed for a week or so, but we came back to someone sending us this Buzzfeed link.
    As if arsing around on aggregating travel sites isn't time consuming enough, Kayak are now offering the chance to spoddy dork geeks to work out the holidaying possibilities in completely fictional worlds.  Yes, if you're the kind of person who uses a 20-sided dice to make major life decisions, you can now fritter away your finite life by working out the best way to get from Westeros to King's Landing OR WHATEVER, I KNOW THEY MIGHT BE THE SAME PLACE I DON'T CARE. I hope they ARE the same place, just so it's vaguely annoying. Anyway. Your vacation from reality can take place via ships, carts and the backs of flying unicorns (probably). We take enough time trying to get cheap ACTUAL flights to indulge in this kind of thing, but if you're already imagining your and Danny's honeymoon in a dragon-themed boudoir in a castle somewhere pretend, then this search engine isn't too much of a stretch for you, we expect. Happy trails, nerds.