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I used to stay in hotels. Hotel guests we love: Mitch Hedberg. 

1/4/2015

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mitch hedberg
This week saw the tenth anniversary of the death of legendary comedian Mitch Hedberg. Like all touring comics, he stayed in hotels a lot. Like all touring comics, it seeped into his material. Unlike all touring comics, most of his observations were funny: 

When I’m on my hotel elevator, I like to pretend that someone else’s floor is wrong. Like, if someone gets on and presses 3, I’m like “You’re on three? Hahahaha. Dude, I don’t think I can ride with you.”

I like the public hot tub at the hotels, the whirlpool. I like to go there when there’s a guy in there already and say “Hey, man, you mind if I join ya?” And he says “no.” Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up. Then I come by and I add some carrots and onions… then I say “Hey man, just simmer for awwww - I mean, sit there.”

I got a Do Not Disturb sign on my hotel door. It says Do Not Disturb. It’s time to go with DON’T disturb. iI’s been Do Not for too long. We need to embrace the contraction.

My hotel is haunted. I saw a sheet lying on the floor… must have been a ghost that had passed out.

I’m in my hotel room, my friend comes over, he says, “Can I use the phone?” I said, “Certainly,” he says “Do I have to dial 9?” “Yeah, especially if it’s in the number.”

My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor because of superstition. But, c’mon man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

I can’t tell you what hotel I’m saying at, but there are two trees involved.


I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.

I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord.


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Love and Laughter Welcome Here

16/5/2014

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As we build up to our New Orleans special next week, we were thrilled to come across this example of perhaps the most defensive guest policy ever written.

The Historic Creole Lodge in the Marigny is relentlessly specific about what it is, and it doesn't want you as a guest. I mean, it wants you if you're not interested in 'luxuries' such as breakfast.

Their home page, which unfolds in increasingly hysterical language, makes this unmistakably clear (we'll use their bolding, underlining, excessive exclamation marks, etc): "Our area is NOT for modern enthusiasts and we ask you to not book here if you think we are a modern day bed and breakfast because we are NOT!!!!"

Erm, OK.

It seems that the establishment has had a continuous conveyorbelt of guests all expecting modern conveniences. Well, excuse us for turning up but The Creole Lodge has had it with you people and has decided to get mad about it. We'll allow them to state their case with their own brand of Southern charm:

"We welcome all people to our home but beware that you should read before you book a local stay because it may not be what you expect if you are status quo or have an obsessive compulsive disorder and we DO NOT WANT THOSE THOSE UNEDUCATED TRAVELERS STAYING HERE!   Here are 2 recent stories that we want to share with you about uneducated travelers:

1.  We had a teacher to stay here recently who was uneducated about the type of Inn we are and she was distraught because she had high class expectations.  So please read before you book! 

2.  We just had another person stay here who goes by Edward S. who was rude and arrogant and then preceded to degrade us on a travel site.  He "thought" he was staying at a "Bed and Breakfast" but arrived to "no breakfast"!  Needless to say his expectations were not properly aligned.
   Being an educated and informed reader and just reading this site would have saved him from being so disappointed that he wasn't going to get breakfast in bed.......lol  One really has to ask themselves "can anyone get a Bed and Breakfast for $49 a nite especially in New Orleans?"  If you answered yes to this question then do us and yourself a favor and don't even think about booking a stay here!  The owners of this establishment are military field grade officers and Ivy League graduates and we state clearly what type of place the Creole Inn is and the majority of our guests clearly state that also!  All we ask Edward S. is to educate yourself before you tell the public how disappointed you were.  We are here for guests who are nice and want a clean cheaper place to stay and not for arrogant people who have no respect for others."

Yes, 'teacher' (implication: free thinking Communist) and 'Edward S' (occupation unknown but certainly not a military field grade officer), with your unaligned, high class expectations, with your non-Ivy League "thoughts" and access to hotel review websites. FEEL THE WRATH OF THE CREOLE LODGE. We spell NITE however we want.

We especially like: 

The inference of "goes by", like Edward S is the criminal pseudonym of some gentleman con artist who travels the country undermining the hospitality industry.

The tab on the home page that is marked 'Buy Self Help Book' - the link goes nowhere so perhaps it's just a reminder that the owners wrote to themselves.

This glorious message: "If you require the stay of an aristocrat we ask that you kindly stay somewhere else and not with us." Yeah, you aristocrats. With your breakfasts.

The image at the bottom, which simply says: Love and Laughter Welcome Here.

Well, quite.

See it in its full glory.

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Hotel guests we love: Paul Foot

26/3/2014

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Paul Foot stand up comedy, wherein he exacts revenge on a Bed 'n Breakfast landlady...

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In Soviet Russia, hotel stays in you

6/2/2014

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Here's a plan, Russia: invite the world's media to a global event, hoping that a display of hospitality will help them forget your ropy human rights record and then make them say in hotels that look like an an ongoing DIY experiment. 

When journalists are seriously posting ads looking to trade light bulbs for door knobs, you kind of know something is wrong...

THOSE SOCHI HOTEL TWEETS

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Hotel guests we love: The cheap but needy lover

1/11/2013

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A short but sweet romantic exchange comes to us via hotel worker Jared:

Me: Guest Services.
Guest: Do you have any condoms?
Me: (holding back disgusted sigh) there is an intimacy kit in your mini bar, sir.
Guest: (checks drawer and sees price) That's too much, man!
Me: Well, sir there are two places nearby where you can pick up some.
Guest: I don't feel like going out to get some. Do you have any on you?
Me: ...No.
Guest: Ugh, you guys are no help. (slams phone)

Stay classy, guests.
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Hotel guests we love: The Continental Breakfaster

1/11/2013

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Where should I fly to first?
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